Throw Back Thursday

Thursday 2 April 2020

Next up selecting their all time Saints 11 is former Tour Rep, 2nd and 1st Team player, Queens Park Shield winner, Luke Bain (2014-2018)

Dear friends, alumni, coaches, current students and anyone else who’s bothered to open the link,

I hope this message finds you well.

I am writing to you from Nuremberg, Germany. A former site of major rallies during a dark period in the country’s history, home to the infamous trials that followed thereafter. Much like the trials held during fresher’s week, these let slip some big names through the net. Whilst I write to you with no sense of smell or taste due to what is likely the coronavirus, I assure you that I can still sniff out a good footballer.
In fact, here’s 11 of them in an unorthodox 5-2-3 formation.

Goalie – Alec Cadzow
Whilst it pains me to leave out such an illustrious figure in Joel G Shore McInally, there is simply no other candidate to take up the role of goalkeeper and be the driving force to what could be construed as a very Brexit 11. There are several reasons for which I have picked Cadz to be the man between the sticks. A keeper famed not only for his shot-stopping ability, but his multi-faceted distribution skills. Cadz certainly brought a rejuvenating buzz to the team upon his arrival in my 2nd year, providing that all important feel-good factor both on and off the pitch. A valuable man to have in the van.

Right Wing Back – Pilley
Perhaps a bit of a misfit in an 11 that is largely made up of sub-first-team players, Daniel is certainly a worthy member. Once described by my father, who has spent his entire adult life in football, as the funniest football player he has ever watched. Indeed, this has nothing to do with his ability, for Pilley is a gifted player. Rather, his demeanour and the ways in which he conducts himself earned him this plaudit. Wholehearted and full pelt, whether it be in a tackle or a celebratory pelvic thrust, Pilley certainly poured his heart and soul into St. Andrews. Perhaps a little too much at times.

Centre Half – Rhino ©
Hello Jack, I hope you’ve got this far. Fear not, you’ve not been shoe-horned (pardon the pun) into this 11. Rather, you were the 2nd name on the teamsheet, after me. A constant fixture in my life for the best part of two years, Rhino provided an example to all those who stood before him, which was usually everyone except the goalie. The Davey Weir to a 2s team that perhaps lacked talent but made up for in organization and determination. A Centre Half that can win league titles in Sondicos deserves a berth in any starting 11 and Rhino (slowly) walks straight into this one. If you cannae carry Rhino, let him carry the 2s.

Centre Half – Randolph
A freak of nature and for all the wrong reasons. Randolph did and still does wear his heart on his unwashed, unironed sleeve. Anyone bold enough to saunter down to Kirkcaldy in chinos and boat shoes, with an accent akin to that of our Dear Prime Minister, just to taunt deserves every bit of praise that comes their way. Unfortunately for Randolph, such praise is practically non-existent. A wild man both on and off the pitch meant for an eventful, but somehow trophy laden four years in St. Andrews. Whatever you throw at this man, he’ll header it or miss it and that’s good enough for me.

Centre Half – Donny

Couldn’t leave you oot could I wee man. Donny and I rarely if ever set foot on a BUCS pitch together. Indeed, this was a relationship formed in the games you actually remember, in Fife and in the corners of Eastern Europe. For a man that doesn’t really care for football, Donny absolutely loves football. I will fondly remember his scoring qualities, but he never really did have an eye for goal. An absolute gem of a boy, but with stains down the back of his shorts after that QPS slide tackle.

Left Wing Back – Lion Herfort
Lion, perhaps one of the most technically gifted players to ever grace St. Andrews Men’s Football Club. A truly valuable member to any team. Kidding obviously, Rando – you’re in. If ever there was a player to be described as flair, it is definitely not Rando. A solid left-back with a Jorg Albertz style left foot. An admirable passion and support for Dundee FC would suggest that he’s probably no right in the heed.

Centre Mid – Greeg Cox
Greg is probably everything you want in a holding midfielder, but he always struck me as a player that never ever actually wanted the ball. A rugby man in a footballer’s body and I’m quite sure he managed to go four years without ever buying his own pair of boots. I hold a lot of respect for Greg but the buck stops short at someone who doesn’t shower after matches. Greg puts up a façade made up of quarter zips and Chelsea boots, but you can always count on him to be the only one sniggering at the back of the van when an overly crass comment is made.

Centre Mid – Cookie
Oliver was the first person I ever met in St. Andrews. Invited up to stay at his during pre-season, I was skeptical as I was greeted by boat shoes and a polo shirt. Prove me wrong he did and the same could be said for his footballing abilities. Shaky knees and slower than a week in the jail, he was composed and assertive in matches. Indeed, there are few who genuinely ‘get it’, but whether it be a Wednesday or a Saturday, Cookie certainly did. Simply put, a good Ross Hunt, for the Cockney rhymers among us.

Right Wing – Mysel
If the ball is deed – David Beckham. If the ball isnae deed – Robbie Savage.

Striker – Ross Hunt
Who else but the White Drogba. The man in a grey suit at a black-tie dinner. The man who almost gave it all up before firing us to promotion two years on the trot. I’ll forever be grateful to Ross for having a magnet in his heed, for it allowed me the opportunity to get into the team on a weekly basis. Shame he hated a night oot.

Left Wing – Michael Cameron (Regrettably)
In every team, family or friend group – there is always one member who is constant, but disliked. Michael is that member in all three of the aforementioned groups. A journeyman in all aspects of life, Michael floats seamlessly from one realm to another, leaving droplets of horrendous patter as he makes his way around the world, knocking on the doors of all his pals that don’t want to let him in. Despite his patter and footballing ability being as one-dimensional as Antonio Valencia, I do reserve admiration for a man who speaks to his family solely in Still Game quotes, but when it’s Wednesday at 2.45pm and you’re losing to Dundee 3s at home, it’s probably not the best time to be asking Milne if he likes the Playstation.

Sincerely, Buster x

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